Counting down to my 35th Birthday

I got to go see REM at the United Center in Chicago.  They were awesome.  I stood there with this stupid grin on my face.  I have wanted to see them in concert for 20 years and it was worth the wait!

Anyway, before the concert, we had dinner with some friends.  And some beers.  Last wednesday, I went out for a couple of beers with a friend whose hubby recently asked her for a divorce.  We went out to dinner last Tuesday because the kids’ ball games got rained out.  Then we went out to dinner on Wednesday for my brother-in-law’s birthday (before the beers with the friend.)

Last week just snowballed out of control.  I haven’t been on the scale in 3 days and I am scared to death to see what damage I did.  I feel like I have let myself and my team down.  Not to mention my husband and my WW leader.  I have a lot of guilt, don’t I?

Time to get on that treadmill.  It’s a new day, right?

(I keep hearing “Crazy Goals” in my head like that pop-tarts commercial:  They’re crazy good.  I’ve got crazy goals!)

Last Monday at my WW meeting, my leader asked up to set a 4th of July goal, and then asked if we wanted to share.  I said I wanted to lose 8 pounds by July 4th and her eyes about bugged out of her head.  She reminded me that I would have to lose nearly 2 pounds a week and then asked me how I would feel if I didn’t get that 8-pound goal.  I know she was trying to be realistic, but she was bringing me down.

If I don’t hit that 8-pounds, I’ll be ok.  I’d rather aim high and only get 1/2-way there than aim low and not hit the goal.  If I don’t aim high, I will slack.  I know myself well enough to know that.  If I had said I wanted to lose 3 pounds by the 4th of July, I would wait until the last week and then work my ass off.  At least now I know I have to work my ass off for the next 32 days.

So wish me luck.  I know I have to journal, drink lots of water and run.  Yuck.  I hate to run, but nothing takes off the weight faster for me.  By July 4th, my weight ticker needs to read 178.  Man, I haven’t seen that number in 9 years.

Have a great week!

I can feel it coming…the inevitable slide back up the scale.  I do it every time I lose weight.  It has taken me longer to get there this time, but I feel it.  The question is, “Can I stop it?”

In the last three weeks at WW, I have only lost 1 pound.  I was up 0.2, then down 0.6 and then down 0.6.  Why is this happening?

I get to the point to where I feel like I can ease up just a little on the “eat right” and “exercise.”  Maybe it’s that I’ve gone so long without a favorite meal, or it’s been so long since I just spent an evening relaxing with J.  Maybe it’s that life gets so hectic that I forget to plan to be healthy…it’s so much easier to grab something at the drive through than to plan a week of meals.  Maybe I am tired of constantly counting and measuring and being on my guard.  I just want to NOT think about it anymore.

As I write this, I feel this tightness, this panic setting in.  I am hoping that the fact that I am aware of it will help me to fight through.

Crappy day today.  I feel like crap.  The weather is crap.  I am tired as crap! ;)  DH is cranky and stressed and I absorb that like a sponge.  I am overwhelmed by all that I have to do.  I have PMS.  My boobs hurt.  I am feeling sorry for myself and all I want to do is eat.  Like, take some slices of ham, and smother them in cheese and put it in the microwave and eat it once the cheese is all gooey and melty.  And then maybe sleep. 

And I almost did it.  But then I checked my email and I saw booster notes. And then I had to check the forum of my team (love you all, Fitness Fanatics) and I feel better.  I can fight through this.  I ate a crappy lunch (crappy day, remember?) but that doesn’t mean I have to ruin the rest of the day!  I think I’ll go for a walk.  That should perk me up.  And if not, at least I’ll have burned off a few calories, right?

New attitude, here I come!

Don’t have much time this morning.  I have a date with my ipod, some dust rags, and the vacuum.

Anyway, I hit my mini-goal and I am soooooooooooo very excited about it.

I set a new mini goal and I am focused!

Thanks to all of you for all of your support.  I love knowing that if I am feeling down, or weak, I can get on here and find a pick-me-up!

Well, tonight I went to the gym (as I do most Wednesday nights) and I decided not to wear the frumpy dump big baggy tee shirts and long pants.  I have a friend at the gym who went and bought all these cute workout clothes because her personal trainer told her that she is making herself look heavier than she really is by wearing big, baggy, formless clothes. 

I thought I’d follow that advice and I wore a t-shirt (slightly fitted) and shorts from last summer.  I felt a little self-conscious, but I thought to myself…well, I won’t repeat what I thought to myself.  It’s not appropriate for polite company.

All was well and good for the first interval I jogged.  Then it all went to hell for the second interval.  My legs were sticky and sweaty, so the shorts were riding up in the middle.  So, I take abotu 10 normal steps and then two steps a bit to the side, hoping they’d fall back down in the middle.  I looked like an ass!  Then, they started falling down.  And since I didn’t have a big, baggy t-shirt on, my tummy was showing.  My gross, silvery-stretch-mark, loose skin tummy.  And, the kicker is that I didn’t notice it at first.  I was mortified!!!

I am choosing to have a positive attitude about it.  They were falling down!  They were tight last summer.

Lesson learned:  make sure the tummy stays covered at all costs!  And jogging in shorts is for toothpicks, not for people with thighs!

I have whined and complained about this before, and since I can never let anything die, I am going to do it again. (Don’t feel like you have to respond, this is mostly a “just get it all out” post!)

I still have not had anyone (who does not know I have been trying to lose weight) notice that I have lost weight.  CRAP that is killing me.  I know, it’s not about other people noticing, it’s about my health, blah, blah blah, but dammit, I want someone to notice.  It’s vain, I know.  It’s shallow, it’s stupid, but I want some validation!  Seriously, there’s this little teeny tiny part of my brain that is saying, “If you don’t look any different, what’s the point?”  I will not allow that voice to win, because I am feeling so much better about myself.  I just want someone to notice!

My DH, the wonderful man that he is, let me whine about this for a while last night.  And then he told me again that he thinks people aren’t noticing because no one ever saw me as fat.  I am pretty sure no one ever saw me as skinny either! ;)  I have been told before that I carry my weight well.  You know, one of those, “No way, you can’t weigh that much!” kind of comments.  It used to make me happy, now it is frustrating the hell out of me. 

I need to stop being so superficial.  I will on Friday.

Tomorrow night is my book club.  21 pounds since January’s book club.  Good god, I hope someone notices!  I don’t like attention, (that’s why few of them know I have been doing WW) so it will make me horribly uncomfortable when they do comment, but I just want to know that there has been a noticeable change!

Ok, I am done being a whiny poop.  At least until May’s book club!

Saturday night, we had a trivia-night fundraiser at our church.  I thought I looked pretty damn good with my new, 20-pound lighter body.  I even wore a size L shirt, rather than the standard XL.

And then I saw some pictures.  Yikes!  Why do I always forget to do that “stick out your chin” thing to minimize the double chin?

Well, I am not hot….yet. ;)  And I am honestly not beating myself up about it.  I got a good laugh out of that realization that 20 pounds is a great start, but it’s just that…a start.

I just have to keep working!

Today, for the first time in ages, I saw an 18 at the beginning of my weight.  It was barely there (189.5) but I saw it nonetheless.  And after I peed, it was a little more visible at 189.0.

I have been frustrated lately because breaking the 190 barrier has been hard for me.  And I have been focusing on what I still  weigh.  I still have 40 pounds to lose to get to the highest “acceptable” weight for my height.  190 is still a ton more than any of my friends.  They are struggling to get under 130, 110.  I am still the fat friend.

But then, I sat here and looked at myself and realized that I have lost 20 pounds.  20. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20!!!!  That’s more than a bowling ball.  That’s 4 sacks of sugar.  That’s one of those giant sacks of ice (I exaggerate…I think those are 21 pounds.)  That’s more than my giant, 18-pound cat.  And when I look at it that way, I can’t help but be proud of myself.  No more beating myself up about what I still weigh.

Who cares if no one has noticed?  Why do I need them to notice?  That would just mean that they had noticed how fat I was in the first place. 

And if I need motivation not to go back there, maybe I’ll strap 2 sacks of flour to my back and walk around like that all day!

I decided it was time for a new picture.  I actually put my contacts in, put on some make-up, waited ’til the kids were at school because I felt all self-conscious, and took a new picture. 

Whenever I get frustrated and feel like I am not getting anywhere fast, all I have to do is compare this one to the one taken on Christmas Day when my face was as wide as it is long.  I can’t ever let myself get back there. 

All that being said, it was amazing how different I felt yesterday after I put in my contacts and put on make-up.  I am not saying we should all spend hours in the make-up chair, but just a little preening sure helped me feel better about myself.  Maybe it’s time to make it a habit.  My dad has always told me that any investment in your self-esteem is a good investment.  I am investing in my self-esteem by exercising and eating right.  I am going to help it along by taking care of my skin and not being a frumpy-dump any more. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not a high-maintenance kind of girl.  I don’t intend to spend hours getting ready.  But I do plan to wear mascara!  (I am the poster-child for why mascara was invented!  My eyelashes are the color of my skin and perfectly camouflaged!)  I’ll take a little better care of my skin…actually wash the make-up off before bed.  Put some intense skin-softening lotion on my feet.  And maybe buy a nice, sexy bra.  I’ll feel like I have a little secret!

And now I’d better go for my jog before it rains.  I hate to jog, but I am doing it because of one of my buddy’s (Lara!!) posts.  I am such a follower!